The Kroger near my house carries a lot of interesting beers, the first on the list of things to try was Cerveza Caguama, mostly because it has a turtle on the front. The back of the bottle explains that Caguama means giant sea turtle, so now I have a beer made out of turtles. Either that or it comes from some terrible river full of needles that turtles fucked in in Mexico.
Beer review websites listed this as a solid C- beer. Those people are goddamned lunatics. Opening the beer, my wife recoiled in horror at the smell and she was 10 feet away from me when I opened it. This did not bode well for me, or my gastrointestinal well being.
Taste: 2/10
Take a Corona, open it, and then leave it out for a week. Put it back in the fridge, open, next to some cottage cheese. Dump some asparagus in the bottle. Whatever you want. That's what can approximate the taste of this stuff. It really is trying hard to be a Corona Light, but as everyone knows Corona Light sucks, and if it's aspiring to be that, well, there's trouble right there.
Aroma: 0.5/10
This is a crappy Blackberry camera phone picture of MacGyver, our crack beer drinking dog. We don't let the other dog drink, because he is already too stupid, and therefore can't spare the brain cells.
Mac has had most of the beers I've reviewed so far, just to see what he'd enjoy, hoping for a moment like there was with The Turtle. After sniffing a little bit of this in his bowl, he moved to the other side of the house and didn't move, and I took the picture above. I'd say that's a resounding fuck you to this beer, if even the god damn dog won't drink it.
As for me, I think it approximates closely to what I would imagine turtle piss would smell like.
Price: 7/10
$5 a sixer is nothing to sneeze at down here, cheaper than Bud/Miller/Coors. It's no Hamm's or Blatz, though. I wouldn't pay $2 for a sixer of this.
Hangover: 2/10
Four before bed and only woke up with an urge to relieve myself. I guess that's the bright spot in all this? To be fair, I was not in the same county as a buzz after 4 of these, so that's probably the reason. I don't like this blog enough to drink enough to make the pain. I was anticipating stomach hell but everything was copacetic.
I have never seen this beer anywhere else, but if you do, and buy it, you're retarded and I hate you.
My buddy Chubbs and I once purchased a 12-pack apiece and proceeded to kill them all while playing RBI.
ReplyDeleteI still don't know how we choked them down but we did it. I wasn't going to let some fkn Gulf of Mexico turtle fuck with me like that I guess.
I'm pretty sure the marketing firm that came up with the logo for this beer also put out the package of hot dogs with an ACTUAL DOG on the label. Worst. Idea. Ever.
ReplyDeleteY'all people are fuckn stupid this beer ain't even from Mexico lmfao!!!!
DeleteI wholeheartedly approve of this review...
ReplyDeleteTurtle piss? hahaha
ReplyDeleteI hope your dog has rediscovered his zest for life.
ReplyDeleteOverexaggerated...a decent Mexican Pilsner...taste as a good as a Corona for a few bucks less. Lousy review "wife..recoiled..." lol.
ReplyDeleteI don't like Corona either. I'd still probably rather eat rat turds out of a punchbowl of vodka that's been sitting out for a week. Thanks for reading!
ReplyDeleteI thought the beer was bad enough to google, you know what I'm saying? I was like "Cerveza CAGUMA?!! Check the Internet and make sure this shit won't kill me."
ReplyDeleteNow that you've confirmed my sentiments I'm going to pour the remaining 20 cans down the drain.
Turtle beer is from El Salvador not Mexico. I agree about the stench/ hints of asparagus however, I'm a girl and I love it. Therefore you are a pussy, and so is your dog. I am also proud to say that I can catch a buzz off a half a bottle, which I attribute to the actual turtle piss they lovingly squeeze into each bottle.
ReplyDeleteIt ain't that bad. No worse to my taste than any other cheapo lager. Okay, actually it is pretty bad. Still, you can't beat the economics of it for casual and copious week-night drinking.
ReplyDeleteI had it at the beach over X-mas break and thought it no worse than Corona lite. As for the taste, not good but that's what the lime and salt are for.
ReplyDeletePros- cheap
Cons- cheap taste
You guys are all wrong... not only is the stuff tastier than corona, it has the added benefit of looking like a can of soda, You could be driving with a can in hand, and wave to a Cop and be chillin in style...
ReplyDeleteCaguama rules!!
So horrible, I googled it.
ReplyDeleteI can't believe some people like this beer. I love buying cheap beer and I've never bought a case of beer I couldn't finish until now.
Caguama is the worst beer ever. Hard to drink and even harder on the head in the morning.
It tastes nothing like Corona, Tecate or Modelo Especial. It's more like a mix between a Pabst and Tecate... except less than half as good.
If people are thinking this tastes like Corona, Caguama products must have some issues with consistency. The beers that I could put down out of the 30-pack I bought were god awful.
I had the full flavor and not the light version btw.
You people are out of your minds. I tried this for the first time the other day and loved it. I'm going to be buying this often.
ReplyDeleteFor the record I like:
-Modelo Especial
-Dos XX's Lager
-Most American pilsners
-Most European beers
I dislike:
-Corona
-Miller Lite
-The really cheap American beers (Natural Light, Milwaukee's Best, Busch, etc)
Yeah, this beer is far from the 2 out of 10 rating provided by this clown of a blogger. I'm sipping on a cold one right now and enjoying it thoroughly. Last time I ever read this guy's opinion.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry your taste buds are in your asshole, I can't do much about it.
ReplyDeleteWhat the F are you talking about? You clearly know nothing about beer. Caguama may not be ambrosia, but it's certainly better than Corona. Pleasant, no sour, bitter or skunky notes. Compares with Mexican pilsners like Tecate. (Caguama isn't from Mexico by the way - it's from El Salvador.) Wake up your taste buds, man. One of the best cheap beers in a can you can get.
ReplyDeleteClearly you are from El.Salvador but does it really matter where the beer came from? I think not everyone has different likes and dislikes don't get so defensive its just beer!!!!
DeleteI had it in a bottle. It was the skunkiest tasting beer I have ever had in my whole life. A year later I can still taste that shit.
ReplyDeleteI love cheap beer, but a lot of you people are nuts.
Well I'm new to beer but I don't think it's that bad. I'm sorry but Bud tastes like crap so I'd rather have this if I'm being too cheap for corona, my fav. But I guess taste is relative... @_@
ReplyDeleteOh, btw, it's from El Salvador, not Mexico. Read the bottle.
I have been to both, El salvador is just as shitty as Mexico. I hold no ill will towards either.
ReplyDeleteI am no beer drinker...except for Caguamas...I love them "love" them. Just tried them for the first time about two weeks ago at a party, and now I like them better than wine. I'm a girl and I love the taste and the buzz they give me. I've never liked a beer like I like this one, that's why I googled it.
ReplyDeleteI dont understand the bad reviews. I just tried it for the first time. Liked it so much I decided to google it and stumbled upon this blog. It tastes like corona but very light and without the annoying aftertaste...
ReplyDeleteDefen, What market are you in? CA? IN?
ReplyDeleteTexas.
ReplyDeleteJust curious where people who get this beer live... I've only ever seen it sold in largish grocery stores in southern California and Arizona, I'm from northern California originally and have never seen it up there. I think its only decent if you get it in these areas where its freshly imported from south of the border, if its sitting around for weeks being imported up north / east I would imagine that would make it taste like crap. As I have had it here its a lot like Tecate but cheaper, its fresh tasting and not great but its a lot better than other cheap beers like Nattie Ice and Milwaukee's best
ReplyDeletegreat beer. 'nuff said.
ReplyDeleteI also wholeheartedly agree with this review! And, yeah, this beer is so bad I had to google it! I think my girlfriend put it best: "I imagine this is what the ass of a sea turtle tastes like"... Thanks for this site though!!
ReplyDeleteOmg! It's just really sad to see a bunch of rednecks comment about exported beer. First of all the freaking beer is not from Mexico, but from El Salvador. Second of all, it has way more taste than any american lager.
ReplyDeletewhy all the bad hype it's a cheep beer what did you expecte? if you pay for arrowhead your not going to get evian! now I'm a fan of good beers and i know this is not the best beer out there. i would defently go with a sam adams or a kona long board any time but this beer is worth it's buck and i would take it over bud miller or cours when i'm on a buget i can find a 30pk for $16.99 and that satifiyes my nightly beer crave
ReplyDeleteI've drank over 200 different beers. Just recently purchased my first 18 pack of this stuff. It's easily one of the best budget pilsners I've ever had. However for the record I had mine in a can so to educate you fine folks on the skunky taste in the bottles. It's because Cervezas are typically bottled in clear bottles, central American sunlight on the beer takes a toll on it's contents. The people of that region like the taste that way, we do not. Canned variety taste (to my North American pallet anyways) substantially better. Regardless when it comes to cold pilasters this is easily one of my favorite. And definitely top running light beer.
ReplyDeleteterrible beer critic, corona? piss in a bottle, this stuff if better and chepper than than crap. keep it up.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you had a bad batch, maybe you forgot to put the lime in, maybe you came off a bad trip but this shit is great. Better than Corona. There are a lot of great tasting beers but when I gotta have this I gotta have it.
ReplyDeleteIts cheap and refreshing when cold ...if you can't drink this youre fucking weak and shouldn't be drinking at all.!
ReplyDeleteSorry, to tell you this man, but just because it's spanish it doesn't mean it's Mexican, it a crappy beer from el Salvador, if you wanna try some good Imported Mexican beer try Victoria, El Pacifico, or Dos Equis (XX).
ReplyDeletethis beer tastes awesome..... there is barely any alcohol in it, but it tastes much better than corona, sol, or many other beers south of the border
ReplyDeletePeople look at a price and just assume its going to be bad and write it up as such
I bet if you gave this beer to the reviewer but it was $10 a 6 pack, he would have a totally different review of it
Not bad beer
ReplyDeleteit's a central american beer dumbfucks..not mexico.
ReplyDeleteLol, some bitches be lovin' this. Not completely sure why though. The "I'm a girl and love this so your a pussy." comments are pretty fuckin priceless.
ReplyDeleteHad a bottle a couple months ago...Not very nice. That said, I find things like bud light equally objectionable. I would rather drink colt 45 than 99% of pilsners.
I attribute your fanciful 2/10 to the fact that you live in Texas. Hardly better than El Salvador or Mexico now is it.
way late to this thread but I bought a sixer of this stuff and I like it, especially for the price ($5). Nice color, nice light skunky smell (maybe it was you your wife was recoiling from?), no funky aftertaste. Much better than a lot of Mexican beers (this one's from El Salvador) and beats the shit out of most american beers (Bud, Miller etc.) Drink a few ice cold with a couple of fish tacos and you can't go wrong. I'd buy it again.
ReplyDeleteCaguama
ReplyDeleteEh not good not bad
ReplyDeleteNo bad smell in the can
Tastes like PBR
This is a good decent beer one of my favorites. If its cheap is because is from central america where one dollar its hard to make. Do not be ignorant this is not turtle pee you problably want an over rated price beer like many in the market
ReplyDeleteFuck this blog i just drank the 32oz and it was delicious fuck all you white haters
ReplyDeletefuck you
ReplyDelete