Wednesday, November 19, 2008

MGD 64

According to Miller advertising, MGD 64 has fewer calories than the following drinks:
* A 6 ounce glass of red wine (128 calories)
* A 6 ounce gin and tonic (172 calories)
* A 6.5 ounce margarita (246 calories)

As convincing as those numbers are, there was still a part of me that felt an unbiased study needed to be done. Believe me – it’s not that I don’t trust the brewers of this fine country. Hell, without them we wouldn’t have Zima, Bud Light Chelada, or Tequiza. Despite the proven track record of these alcoholic national treasures, I felt that I owed it to our loyal reader(s) to dig a bit deeper. I had the boys in the YLHY lab run some unbiased tests. Please remember that the YLHY scientists aren’t real scientists. In fact, most of them are still waiting for their G.E.D. test scores (cross your fingers).

That being said, they know beer. So, without further adieu, here’s what they came up with.

We setup shop outside the local Wal-Mart (Wal-Marts for our readers in Indiana) and asked volunteers to help us with a little old-fashioned market research. Here’s what we learned from the fine shoppers of the South West side Wal-Mart:

* 5 out of 7 shoppers over the age of fourteen don’t wear shoes

* adults have up to 24 teeth

* the Plymouth Sundance is a damn fine automobile

* Lynyrd Skynyrd’s "Bullets America ’76" tour t-shirt comes in both black and faded black

* Apple is yet to make the iPod available to Iowa consumers

* 23 out of 25 dirty babies will cry when flicked in the face (I apologize for the limited sample size of dirty babies – this was due to our testing being done at 2 in the morning)

Upon returning to the lab, we poured over the numbers for countless minutes before coming to the following conclusion: we forgot to test the beer. Shit. After intense soul searching we decided that another trip to Wal-Mart would not be a good idea. This probably has something to do with the monster truck that drove over our folding table during our initial visit.

So…here it is. MGD 64 has absolutely zero redeeming factors in the realm of ‘taste’. In fact, remember the classic Jim Croce song “Time In a Bottle?” Well, Miller Brewing has taken old Jimbo’s concept one step further because they have now managed to effectively market and distribute “Piss In a Bottle.” Seriously, it tastes like what I would imagine Kevin Costner’s piss tasted like after he ran it through that crazy filtration system in Water World (quit acting like you didn’t watch Water World, asshole).