Inexpensive Beer Report: Cerveza Caguama

The Kroger near my house carries a lot of interesting beers, the first on the list of things to try was Cerveza Caguama, mostly because it has a turtle on the front. The back of the bottle explains that Caguama means giant sea turtle, so now I have a beer made out of turtles. Either that or it comes from some terrible river full of needles that turtles fucked in in Mexico.

Beer review websites listed this as a solid C- beer. Those people are goddamned lunatics. Opening the beer, my wife recoiled in horror at the smell and she was 10 feet away from me when I opened it. This did not bode well for me, or my gastrointestinal well being.

Taste: 2/10
Take a Corona, open it, and then leave it out for a week. Put it back in the fridge, open, next to some cottage cheese. Dump some asparagus in the bottle. Whatever you want. That's what can approximate the taste of this stuff. It really is trying hard to be a Corona Light, but as everyone knows Corona Light sucks, and if it's aspiring to be that, well, there's trouble right there.

Aroma: 0.5/10

This is a crappy Blackberry camera phone picture of MacGyver, our crack beer drinking dog. We don't let the other dog drink, because he is already too stupid, and therefore can't spare the brain cells.

Mac has had most of the beers I've reviewed so far, just to see what he'd enjoy, hoping for a moment like there was with The Turtle. After sniffing a little bit of this in his bowl, he moved to the other side of the house and didn't move, and I took the picture above. I'd say that's a resounding fuck you to this beer, if even the god damn dog won't drink it.

As for me, I think it approximates closely to what I would imagine turtle piss would smell like.

Price: 7/10
$5 a sixer is nothing to sneeze at down here, cheaper than Bud/Miller/Coors. It's no Hamm's or Blatz, though. I wouldn't pay $2 for a sixer of this.

Hangover: 2/10
Four before bed and only woke up with an urge to relieve myself. I guess that's the bright spot in all this? To be fair, I was not in the same county as a buzz after 4 of these, so that's probably the reason. I don't like this blog enough to drink enough to make the pain. I was anticipating stomach hell but everything was copacetic.

I have never seen this beer anywhere else, but if you do, and buy it, you're retarded and I hate you.

NAFTA and Foil-Wrapped Beers Don't Work

I'm hot and cold on Mexican beers. Dos Equis' amber and lager are two of my favorite beers in the world, nectar of the gods type stuff in my mind. Yet when I think of Corona, my brain starts chanting O-VER-RAT-ED.

Modelo Especial inhabits the same area as Pacifico in my Mexican beer hierarchy. Below Dos Equis, above Corona. Thoroughly drinkable, overpriced and best for special occasions.

I wish I had crazy stories from a fiesta to tell but to be honest, I purchased a 12'er of these squat bottles because my wife was making enchiladas with beans and rice and thought it would make a nice pairing.

The incredibly smooth and somewhat salty taste matched perfectly with dinner Monday night and has been nice to sample while sitting on the patio, enjoying the Phoenix spring.

What hasn't been so nice is picking the gold foil off the top of the bottle and out of my teeth once or twice. If any benefits are gained from wrapping these suckers with foil, they're canceled out with the frustration of beer-drinkers both north and south of the border trying to wet their whistle with golden refreshment in a timely manner.

My only other complaint is the price of this solid beverage. $15 for a 12-pack. I know it's an import and a thus a premium is placed on the beer but this is ridiculous.

I will never turn down a Modelo Especial if offered but I don't see myself purchasing any in the future either.

Taste - 7/10
Price - 2/10
Hangover Potential - 3/10 - Mexican brew is made to drink for days
Hangover Effects - n/a - responsible consumption was actually practiced
Randomness - 4/10 - Negro Modelo is more readily available than Especial but it's hardly difficult to track down