Saturday, December 29, 2012

Kalamazoo Stout = Easy Decision

The annals of history are full of decisions made by great men and women, and most can be placed into one or more of the following categories: Good, Bad, Shitty Shitty, Tough, and Easy.

  • Good

All fat. All white. All the time. Also, who the shit didn't sub out Pettis???
My mom bought me a Nintendo with Power Pad for Christmas when I was about 8 years old.  For those of you who don't know about the Power Pad, it is a plastic mat laid on the floor that requires the player to run and jump in order to control the character(s) on the screen.  So it's basically video games and fat camp all rolled into one.  It came with this evil game that required you to run around the woods and jump over logs, and it was fun for the first 15 seconds before I got tired and almost shook the house down to its foundation.  I told my mom that the game didn't work, and I was allowed to trade it in on a new game.  I chose RBI Baseball which to this day remains the benchmark for all baseball video games.  You can take your realistic graphics, season modes, and non-white players somewhere else because RBI Baseball ain't having none of that crap.

  • Bad

So simple yet so evil
I've been blessed with a bladder that's roughly the size of a gnat's turd after a big steak dinner.  80% of my trips to the bathroom have the potential to turn into a Code Yellow disaster before reaching the urinal.  Guess what?  Donning a pair of button fly jeans ain't doing me any favors.  Choke on my wet pants, Levi Strauss.

  • Shitty Shitty

I decided it was a good idea to steal baseball cards at a local gas station when I was 13.  I wasn't aware at the time, but apparently clerks are trained to spot suspicious teens shoving boxes of Stadium Club packs down their pants.  Bad idea but a great life lesson.  But holy shit those cards were glossy as all get-out.  

Did I mention the cards were glossy?

  • Tough

Fuck it.  I'm eating oatmeal for breakfast.

I'd rather solve a Rubik's Cube at gunpoint.

  • Easy

Tim Burton's take on King of the Hill
Ah yes.  This is a beer blog, so maybe I should at least mention beer once in this post.  Bell's is an awesome brewery in Kalamazoo, Michigan, and they have a damn fine selection of beers to choose from.  Their Oberon brew is a great starting point for virgins of the Bell's variety.  However, I'm here to talk about their Kalamazoo Stout.  Put into simple terms, this is a fantastic American stout that has become my "easy decision" when browsing the beer aisle at the local grocer.  The smell and taste makes me think of black licorice (Note: Black licorice is superior to red licorice in every possible way) and hints of coffee.  It's not a "coffee beer", but it has the perfect balance of a rich tasting dry stout and an easy drinking ale.  Most stouts, save for Guinness, leave me full and bloated after a few pints.  However, this is a stout that I could drink all day.  It's not a beer that will blow away your taste buds and rewire your olfactory senses, but it is a beer that will leave you wanting more.

9/10  (or a 1 on the binary scale)


jana said...

I didn't know you got busted for stealing baseball cards!?!?!

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Austin said...

Thanks for adding to the conversation, shit cheese.