The Kroger near my house carries a lot of interesting beers, the first on the list of things to try was Cerveza Caguama, mostly because it has a turtle on the front. The back of the bottle explains that Caguama means giant sea turtle, so now I have a beer made out of turtles. Either that or it comes from some terrible river full of needles that turtles fucked in in Mexico.
Beer review websites listed this as a solid C- beer. Those people are goddamned lunatics. Opening the beer, my wife recoiled in horror at the smell and she was 10 feet away from me when I opened it. This did not bode well for me, or my gastrointestinal well being.
Taste: 2/10
Take a Corona, open it, and then leave it out for a week. Put it back in the fridge, open, next to some cottage cheese. Dump some asparagus in the bottle. Whatever you want. That's what can approximate the taste of this stuff. It really is trying hard to be a Corona Light, but as everyone knows Corona Light sucks, and if it's aspiring to be that, well, there's trouble right there.
Aroma: 0.5/10
This is a crappy Blackberry camera phone picture of MacGyver, our crack beer drinking dog. We don't let the other dog drink, because he is already too stupid, and therefore can't spare the brain cells.
Mac has had most of the beers I've reviewed so far, just to see what he'd enjoy, hoping for a moment like there was with The Turtle. After sniffing a little bit of this in his bowl, he moved to the other side of the house and didn't move, and I took the picture above. I'd say that's a resounding fuck you to this beer, if even the god damn dog won't drink it.
As for me, I think it approximates closely to what I would imagine turtle piss would smell like.
Price: 7/10
$5 a sixer is nothing to sneeze at down here, cheaper than Bud/Miller/Coors. It's no Hamm's or Blatz, though. I wouldn't pay $2 for a sixer of this.
Hangover: 2/10
Four before bed and only woke up with an urge to relieve myself. I guess that's the bright spot in all this? To be fair, I was not in the same county as a buzz after 4 of these, so that's probably the reason. I don't like this blog enough to drink enough to make the pain. I was anticipating stomach hell but everything was copacetic.
I have never seen this beer anywhere else, but if you do, and buy it, you're retarded and I hate you.
24 comments:
My buddy Chubbs and I once purchased a 12-pack apiece and proceeded to kill them all while playing RBI.
I still don't know how we choked them down but we did it. I wasn't going to let some fkn Gulf of Mexico turtle fuck with me like that I guess.
I'm pretty sure the marketing firm that came up with the logo for this beer also put out the package of hot dogs with an ACTUAL DOG on the label. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I wholeheartedly approve of this review...
Turtle piss? hahaha
I hope your dog has rediscovered his zest for life.
Overexaggerated...a decent Mexican Pilsner...taste as a good as a Corona for a few bucks less. Lousy review "wife..recoiled..." lol.
I don't like Corona either. I'd still probably rather eat rat turds out of a punchbowl of vodka that's been sitting out for a week. Thanks for reading!
I thought the beer was bad enough to google, you know what I'm saying? I was like "Cerveza CAGUMA?!! Check the Internet and make sure this shit won't kill me."
Now that you've confirmed my sentiments I'm going to pour the remaining 20 cans down the drain.
Turtle beer is from El Salvador not Mexico. I agree about the stench/ hints of asparagus however, I'm a girl and I love it. Therefore you are a pussy, and so is your dog. I am also proud to say that I can catch a buzz off a half a bottle, which I attribute to the actual turtle piss they lovingly squeeze into each bottle.
It ain't that bad. No worse to my taste than any other cheapo lager. Okay, actually it is pretty bad. Still, you can't beat the economics of it for casual and copious week-night drinking.
I had it at the beach over X-mas break and thought it no worse than Corona lite. As for the taste, not good but that's what the lime and salt are for.
Pros- cheap
Cons- cheap taste
You guys are all wrong... not only is the stuff tastier than corona, it has the added benefit of looking like a can of soda, You could be driving with a can in hand, and wave to a Cop and be chillin in style...
Caguama rules!!
So horrible, I googled it.
I can't believe some people like this beer. I love buying cheap beer and I've never bought a case of beer I couldn't finish until now.
Caguama is the worst beer ever. Hard to drink and even harder on the head in the morning.
It tastes nothing like Corona, Tecate or Modelo Especial. It's more like a mix between a Pabst and Tecate... except less than half as good.
If people are thinking this tastes like Corona, Caguama products must have some issues with consistency. The beers that I could put down out of the 30-pack I bought were god awful.
I had the full flavor and not the light version btw.
You people are out of your minds. I tried this for the first time the other day and loved it. I'm going to be buying this often.
For the record I like:
-Modelo Especial
-Dos XX's Lager
-Most American pilsners
-Most European beers
I dislike:
-Corona
-Miller Lite
-The really cheap American beers (Natural Light, Milwaukee's Best, Busch, etc)
Yeah, this beer is far from the 2 out of 10 rating provided by this clown of a blogger. I'm sipping on a cold one right now and enjoying it thoroughly. Last time I ever read this guy's opinion.
I'm sorry your taste buds are in your asshole, I can't do much about it.
What the F are you talking about? You clearly know nothing about beer. Caguama may not be ambrosia, but it's certainly better than Corona. Pleasant, no sour, bitter or skunky notes. Compares with Mexican pilsners like Tecate. (Caguama isn't from Mexico by the way - it's from El Salvador.) Wake up your taste buds, man. One of the best cheap beers in a can you can get.
I had it in a bottle. It was the skunkiest tasting beer I have ever had in my whole life. A year later I can still taste that shit.
I love cheap beer, but a lot of you people are nuts.
Well I'm new to beer but I don't think it's that bad. I'm sorry but Bud tastes like crap so I'd rather have this if I'm being too cheap for corona, my fav. But I guess taste is relative... @_@
Oh, btw, it's from El Salvador, not Mexico. Read the bottle.
I have been to both, El salvador is just as shitty as Mexico. I hold no ill will towards either.
I am no beer drinker...except for Caguamas...I love them "love" them. Just tried them for the first time about two weeks ago at a party, and now I like them better than wine. I'm a girl and I love the taste and the buzz they give me. I've never liked a beer like I like this one, that's why I googled it.
I dont understand the bad reviews. I just tried it for the first time. Liked it so much I decided to google it and stumbled upon this blog. It tastes like corona but very light and without the annoying aftertaste...
Defen, What market are you in? CA? IN?
Texas.
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